The higher your score on any question or section of the survey, the more likely you are to be effective at arriving at resolutions that meet both people's needs and that build the relationship. Low scores may indicate areas where you could increase your effectiveness.
For each question on the survey, some advice is given below. The advice was compiled by the Conflict Resolution class and is based primarily on Dudley Weeks' The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution, but also includes ideas from other sources, including Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury. The guidelines are given in groups of four, corresponding to the ten lettered groups in the survey, which are in turn based on the topics or steps in Weeks.
For the questions or sections on which you got the lowest scores, read the guidelines and consider tying them.
They may help you be more effective.
| V. | VIEW CONFLICT AS NATURAL AND POSITIVE. View conflict as a natural outgrowth of diversity among people, which can be addressed in a win-win way that strengthens your relationships. Remember the value of building your long-term relationship. View the resolution of the conflict and the building of the relationship as inter-related parts. Prevention works best. |
| 1. | View conflicts as opportunities for growth - for you and the other person, and for your relationship. |
| 2. | Handle the differences in a way that strengthens your relationship - together you will find more satisfying resolutions for this and future conflicts. |
| 3. | Address differences directly, realizing you are more likely to meet both your concerns and the other's if you discuss issues openly. |
| 4. | Separate the people from the problem, so you can protect the relationship while addressing the problem. |
| A. | ATMOSPHERE. Start by establishing an effective atmosphere that promotes partnership and problem-solving. |
| 5. | Meet with the other at a mutually satisfactory time, when you both have plenty of time and are free from distractions. |
| 6. | Meet in an equally acceptable place that is tranquil and gives you equal power. |
| 7. | Help the other feel comfortable and safe, affirming the importance of the relationship. |
| 8. | Start by saying you know the two of you can invent some solutions together that are mutually acceptable. |
| C. | CLARIFY PERCEPTIONS. Work with the other so both are very clear about what the conflict is really about. Eliminate ghost issues that arise from misperceptions. Separate the people from the problem. Acknowledge emotions as legitamate. Then face the problem together. |
| 9. | Be clear with yourself and with the other how you feel and how you perceive the problem Use "I - Statements" to tell the other how you feel, rather than "You - Statements" that blame. Assert your needs without attacking the other. |
| 10. | Ask questions to clarify your perception of the other's perceptions. Listen actively. Acknowledge what the other says. |
| 11. | Look at yourself honestly, clarifying needs and misperceptions. |
| 12. | Clear up misperceptions and stereotypes. Avoid pushing "buttons." |
| N. | Note NEEDS, not wants. Identify the needs that are essential to you, your partner, and your relationship. |
| 13. | Acknowledge the legitimate needs of the other, as well as those of your own. Recognize that there are usually multiple imterests. Fractionate the problem. |
| 14. | Recognize that sustaining your relationship requires meeting needs of both. |
| 15. | Distinguish between real needs and secondary desires. Identify the other's core goals you can support. |
| 16. | Postpone contentious demands that may damage the relationship until you and your partner have worked on meeting needs of the relationship first. |
| P. | Produce Positive Partnership POWER. Build "power with," shared power which enables lasting resolutions and relations. |
| 17. | Be positive; be clear about yourself and your values. Keep reaching for the other's positive power and potential for constructive action. Recognize the power of effectiveness that comes from having the skills to develop the relationship, understand interests, invent options, and agree based on objective criteria. |
| 18. | Avoid negative "power over," which wastes energy in seesaw battle, and which may backfire, not achieving your lasting goals. Treat others as you want to be treated. |
| 19. | Don't stereotype the other only by their negative power; keep options open for the other's constructive power. Don't ask who is more powerful; be optimistic about outcomes. |
| 20. | Work as a team, realizing you need each other's positive power to act effectively. Be unconditionally supportive of the relationship. |
| F. | Focus on the FUTURE first, then learn from the past.
|
| 21. | Forgive (which does not mean you approve). Acknowledge all fall short. Move beyond negative past; look to positive potential. Be hard on the problem and soft on the people. |
| 22. | Focus on the current issue. Don't pick old wounds. Learn from the past; recall good resolutions. |
| 23. | Remember the importance of the long-term relationship. Create images of an improved relationship resulting from effective resolution of the conflict. |
| 24. | Work as partners for mutually beneficial agreements which will nurture your relationship. |
| O. | Open up OPTIONS for Mutual Gain.
|
| 25. | Listen with an open mind to alternative options. Ask for the other's options first; learn from them. |
| 26. | Prepare for discussions by inventing several specific new options that meet shared needs. Don't view these as final goals, but as starting points. Together, brainstorm new possibilities. Separate inventing from deciding. Postpone critical discussion. |
| 27. | Beware preconceived answers. Look for common ground behind seeming oppositions. Avoid stereotypes. |
| 28. | Listen actively and acknowledge what is being said (which does not mean agreeing with it). |
| D. | Develop "DOABLES," Stepping-stones to Action.
|
| 29. | Develop small steps that lead you closer to a mutually healthy decision on larger issues. Chose ones that meet shared needs and that you have shared power to implement. |
| 30. | Do not rest with temporary fixes which are not sufficient to meet the long-term problem. As the three little pigs learned, solid construction will last. |
| 31. | View this as a cooperative process whose best outcome cannot be foreseen alone at the beginning. |
| 32. | You will have a more satisfactory outcome if all factions participate as equals. Understand that the others have interests and needs too. |
| M. | Make MUTUAL-BENEFIT AGREEMENTS.
|
| 33. | Avoid win-lose solutions, which damage the long-term relationship. Consider the needs of your partner, you, and your relationship, and you both will win. Avoid a contest of wills. Yield to reason, not pressure. Do not be a "door-mat." |
| 34. | Ask the other to clarify his/her interests; clarify your own. |
| 35. | Avoid barganing, posturing, demands, and threats, which kill cooperative problem-solving. Acknowledge non-negotiable elements. Focus on interests, not positions, but do build large agreements on small prior doables. |
| 36. | Be caretaker of the other's welfare as well as your own. Make agreements that meet objective, reasonable standards of fairness. Make agreements that meet the needs of both, and that build the relationship. |
| X. | EXTRA Considerations.
|
| 37. | Express anger constructively. Emotions are legitimate and communicate. Channel anger's energy. Focus on the angering behavior, not the person. |
| 38. | Define your best alternative to a negotiated agreement. Seek a third party facilitator when you and the other lack needed skills or when there seem to be intractable differences. |
| 39. | Hear the other's anger non-defensively. Don't react to emotional outbursts. Look for what is within it you can do something about it together. |
| 40. | Agree to disagree on specific value differences. Don't feel you have to agree on everything. |